Being an alpha
by CrimsonAzureRose
Summary: Stiles wants to know what Derek likes most about being an alpha. Derek has a lot to say. A drabble thingy where Derek has a lot of feelings.


Pairing: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski

Warnings: None. I think.

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Wolf in any way, shape or form.

"Hey, Der?" Stiles lifted his head from the pillow he was attempting to smother.

Yes, he was attempting to smother a pillow with his face. It's a legitimate experiment. Don't judge him.

Derek just groaned into Stiles' back, not ready to open his eyes just yet.

Stiles just rolled his eyes and carried on talking anyway, "What's your favourite part about being an alpha?"

Derek cracked an eye open and moved up to lightly place a kiss the back of Stiles' neck, "Isn't it too early for this?"

"But I really wanna know! Is it the fact that you can create your own pack now? Or that you can order people around?" Stiles wiggled around until he was lying on his back with Derek on top of him.

Placing another light kiss on the patch of skin above Stiles' heart like the sap he is, Derek looked up and shrugged, "I never really thought about it. I mean, sure I'm more powerful and stuff but other than that I don't really feel any different, you know?"

Stiles nods.

"And I don't like to dwell on it anyway. The way I became an alpha isn't really something I like to think about."

Stroking his hand down Derek's back, Stiles just listens. He's not used to it - just listening. There's always that nagging little voice in the back of his mind that wants him to interject, to correct, to fill a silence. He has to actively push it down now. It was Derek's turn to ramble for once.

"After Laura left," Derek almost stumbles over the last word. Stiles knows Derek doesn't like to think about Laura's death, "I never even thought about becoming an alpha. I just wanted to find whoever killed her and rip their throat out. And then… Peter. He was all I had left and he betrayed me. Which was mostly my fault, I guess."

Derek pauses when Stiles stops stroking and runs blunt nails down his back.

_Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. Peter's an asshole. _

He huffs and just lets it all flood out, "Then I killed him. The only family I had left. I killed him. I was drowning for a while after that. I had no training, no experience. Mom used to give Laura lessons because she was supposed to be the next alpha. I loved sitting on the back porch to watch them practice, or sitting in the study when they poured over wolf lore. I just watched. I picked up things from the lessons but it wasn't enough for me to suddenly be able to cope when I was thrust into it when Peter died."

Stiles had to try even harder to fight down the urge to make a thrusting joke. It would be_ so_ inappropriate right now.

Derek looked up from where he was playing connect-the-moles on the Stiles' side, "What? No thrusting joke?"

Stiles bites his lip and tries to hide the smile that was bubbling up. Nope. No thrusting jokes now. He just shakes his head.

"Most of the family just assumed I was jealous of Laura. That I wanted to be alpha. But she knew I was just curious. I guess mom knew too, or she wouldn't have let me sit in all the time. I never wanted to be an alpha. I knew I couldn't handle that type of power or authority."

Stiles stops stroking and runs his fingernails down his back again.

_You're doing fine. You're a good alpha._

Derek sighs and Stiles can feel the breath on his chest, "That first night after I became the alpha was the worst. Everything was louder, brighter. I broke so many door handles, you have no idea, "he snorts, "And you. Your scent was everywhere. It drove me crazy. I was on the verge of breaking into your room and just rutting against you."

They both blush at the thought but Derek doesn't let them dwell on it for too long, "After the initial hit wore off, I tried to remember more of what Laura was taught but I couldn't and it was terrifying."

Derek pauses, as if he was caught up in a memory. He sighs again, "I just never let myself think about being an alpha. At all. I try not to look into mirrors when I wolf out because I know I look different. I try not to think about how the betas look to me for orders or how they would do anything I ask if I used the right tone. Having this much power is terrifying."

He shifts a little and then shrugs, "But if I had to choose one thing that is kinda cool about being an alpha, it'd be the eyes," Derek looks up and lets his eyes flash red for Stiles to see.

Stiles finally opens his mouth to speak, "They _are_ really badass. And very sexy."

Derek snorts and leans up to place a kiss on Stiles' chin, "There's that and… Well, they're not blue anymore."

The smile falls off Stiles' face as he looks at Derek, "What?"

"I can pretend I didn't hurt Paige and that she's off somewhere, married to someone she loves, with kids running around. I can pretend that she's happy, just like I am now and that nothing bad happened. My family didn't leave me and Peter didn't go insane and Laura didn't-"

He chokes, "Everything bad that happened to me started at that point. And when I can't see the blue eyes, I can pretend for a little while that they didn't happen at all."

Stiles gently pulls Derek up until he can look into his eyes. He decides to do what his mom used to do whenever he was sad: he softly kissed Derek on the forehead, pulled him out of bed and led him to the kitchen for ice cream sundaes and then to the living room to watch Beauty and the Beast. It's a foolproof method for destroying sadness. Tried and tested.

And by the time Belle and the Beast are dancing together, Derek is relaxed and has his head on Stiles' lap.

Derek pokes Stiles in the stomach and smirks, "You know, you'd make a great Belle."

"Are you calling me beautiful, Hale?" Stiles snorts.

"Dream on, bub."

"Did you just say 'bub'?"

"It's a real word."

"Oh, I know. You just look so cute saying it."

"I'm not cute."

"Of course not. You're manly. Very manly."

Derek nods his head.

Stiles just smiles.


End file.
